July 2015

There will be no pictures this month.  I am down 15 more pounds.

I think I may have said this in one of my first posts, I am not one of those people that can't eat when they are depressed or stressed.  Quite the opposite, when things aren't good, I eat.  And eat.  And eat.  I can feel the weight packing on already.

My 16 year old son committed suicide on July 4th.  There are many questions.  And no answers.

History:

February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)
April 2015:  256 lbs (-13) (-19 total)
May 2015:  245 lbs (-11) (-30 total)
June 2015:  233 lbs (-12) (-42 total)
July 2015:  218 lbs (-15) (-57 total)

June 2015

Some days I feel like I'm doing pretty good, and some days I still feel fat.  Well, I am still fat.

I jokingly told the gals that I exercise with that I had good news and bad news.  The good news was that I was no longer morbidly obese!  The bad news was that I was now "just" obese!  Another 12 lbs gone, for a total loss so far of 42 lbs, putting me at 233 lbs.  Next goal ... to be overweight.  If that wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny.  Okay, it is still kinda funny.

I finally have a couple of pairs of pants that will no longer stay up.  And I was finally able to fit into some other pants tucked away in my closet.  I have been living in a handful of clothes because I cringed at buying more and more "fat lady" clothes.  I literally only had three or four outfits that fit me.  Even the clothes I am in now were once my "fat" clothes that never even made it on hangars in my closet.  I have to say, it is nice having a few more options.  I made the mistake of trying on a shirt that was tucked away in a Rubbermaid bin on the closet floor.  Oops, too soon for that.

I'm in a weird spot.  Sometimes I feel so much better, like I'm "skinny" or something.  I mean, I have lost 40 lbs.  Holy crap!  That's a lot of weight.  I'm moving better.  I'm feeling better.  My clothes are fitting better.  So things are "all better," right?  Ummm, no.  It's almost like I have to remind myself that I am still obese.  Wait a minute, I think, I've done all this work, I've lost 40 lbs, and I'm feeling pretty good ... and I'm not even halfway there???  Oh yeah, I'm just now at the point where I was before almost at my highest weight.  I'm just now at the point where I was when I gave birth.  Those 40 lbs should have never been there in the first place.

This whole weight loss journey is one mind game after another.  I'm all about loving who you are and there is way more to a person that outside appearances, but at the same time, my layers of fat inhibit me.  My fat makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure.  It got to the point that it hurt to move and be active, plus I was getting more and more self-conscious about the way clothes fit on me, the way I looked doing simple activities, and the way I was constantly thinking about how fat I was.  So for me, the biggest motivating factor for weight loss was that I wanted to be an active participant in life again, rather than a spectator.  That's what I need to stay focused on.  That goal.  I can't let the rest of the "mind game stuff" cloud my head.  I recognize that everyone's goal is different, as is everyone's motivation.  The stuff that I feel plays games with my mind might be totally motivating to others (ie.  looking "hot" in a bikini will never be on my radar).

There's my ramble for the day.  Weight loss is not easy.  I don't think there is a fool-proof plan that works for everyone.  Much like parenting, you have to tailor it to the individual.  And when that doesn't work, you have to try something else.  :)

History:

February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)
April 2015:  256 lbs (-13) (-19 total)
May 2015:  245 lbs (-11) (-30 total)
June 2015:  233 lbs (-12) (-42 total)

May 2015

I'll cut right to the chase.  I've lost 30 lbs so far.  While that feels like an accomplishment, I'll admit that if feels somewhat disappointing that I'm still "morbidly obese."

And looking at these pictures, I don't even notice much of a difference.

I have some capri pants that pretty much won't stay up because my waist has shrunk.  But my butt, hips and thighs all seem to be relatively the same though.  That tends to be my frame ... smaller waist and large hips and thighs.  Sadly, I think I've lost weight in my boobs too (where I cannot afford to lose even an ounce).  I have been able to wear a few t-shirts more comfortably, where I'm not trying to tug the arms and stretch them out so they are not digging in to my upper arms.  I am nowhere near having to buy new clothes though.

One of the biggest pluses that I will say is that I am feeling better.  I have heard many people say that they can walk for hours at 300+ lbs and it doesn't bother them in the least.  I was 230 lbs for a lot of years and I said that too.  Somewhere along the line, something changed though.  I could no longer say that at 275 lbs.  Walking became painful.  My joints hurt.  My ankles and knees hurt with every step I took.  Standing up for long periods of time was painful.  My lower back hurt too.  As did my hips.  Even laying in bed wasn't comfortable.  I dreaded going places and doing things, because it hurt to do everything.  Just by losing 30 lbs, I feel so much better.  I walked 3 miles today and while I wasn't comfortable, I was far from miserable.  I can't wait to get even more weight off and see how I feel.

I've always had a few problems with my knees and had a couple of surgeries on each of them.  My left knee has been bothering for awhile now.  When I sit "criss cross applesauce," it won't bend all the way.  It feels very tight.  There are often shooting pains behind the knee that shoot up in the back of my leg.  In the last week, it has gotten worse.  If I've been sitting, I have to limp for about 10 or 20 steps after I stand up to get my momentum going.  A couple of folks have suggested I get it checked and get an MRI.  I'm dreading that.  Know what I'm dreading most?  Hearing the doctor tell me that my knee issue is because of all the extra weight I'm carrying on it.  So, here's my plan ... I'm going to keep on working on getting the weight off.  Hopefully that will solve the knee pain in itself.  If not and the pain is still there once I'm in a healthy weight range (or if the pain becomes unbearable), I'll go get it checked.

Just to recap my stats:
February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)
April 2015:  256 lbs (-13) (-19 total)
May 2015:  245 lbs (-11) (-30 total)

Checking In

I managed to survived Spring Break and an out-of-town vacation with minimal damage.  I can tell you what two things kill my calorie count ... going out to eat and alcohol.  I love going out to eat.  And I love me some drinks.  Suddenly those calories have quadrupled what you had all day long.

A little "funny" story ... while on vacation, we went to the beach for the day.  Well, that was the plan at least.  A couple of the kids ran ahead while we were tromping our way across the sand, lugging our things.  I was just about to put the cooler down in the sand when one of my boys was hopping back to me, leaning on his brother for support.  (He had taken on go on the skim board and when he jumped off, he landed wrong on the wet sand.)  By the time he got to me and sat on the cooler, his ankle was already swollen.  I looked behind me and the other kids had finally made it to the shoreline as well.  They hadn't even taken off their shoes yet.  To make a long story short, we got to the visit the local emergency room and he has a spiral fracture of the tibia and fibula.  Is it any wonder I need a drink once in awhile?

I made green chile enchiladas yesterday at the request of the kids.  It's a favorite.  So yummy.  I gobbled one up.  Then looked at the calories.  Over 600 calories.  For ONE enchilada.  Nice.

I've been really horrible about getting my daily walks in.  I always come up with great excuses.  The bottom line is that I am lazy.  I have my FitBit and I have yet to log in the 10,000 daily steps.  Thank goodness for our exercise "coach."  She works us hard.  A couple of days ago, we worked our arms and I am still sore today.

I've been tracking my food for about five weeks now.  I've been reading weight loss blogs and looking at "before" and "after" pictures for inspiration.  When I see someone who's lost the amount of weight I want to lose and they've done it in fourteen months or so, I'm now of the mindset, "Okay, I've already got one month down."  I know fourteen months is probably optimistic, but I can hope.  I have a list of blogs I like to check in on and get disappointed that they don't update regularly.  There are many folks that have already completed their weight loss journeys and now just blog about maintenance or about running marathons or silly things like that that I can't relate to.  I seriously don't ever see me running.  So, I read the archives and get what I can from that.  Then I'm pretty much done.  I need to find more blogs of people in the process.

April Update

My exercise "coach" has turned me on to green smoothies.  She makes them for us after we work out.  I was skeptical at first, but they are actually okay.  I'll even go so far as to say some of them are tasty.  I've taken to making green smoothies for my breakfast on the days we don't work out.  I've tried different concoctions, but pretty much toss in some greens (spinach mostly, but maybe some kale or arugula), some fruit (frozen berries, bananas, pineapple, whatever), some liquid (water, nut milk, coconut water) and maybe some seeds (chia, flax).  I think they are helping with my cravings because I seem to be craving less sweet stuff throughout the day.  (I made one smoothie that was super yummy with spinach, banana and peanut butter, but holy calories!)

I know you are only supposed to weigh yourself once a week, but I pretty much weigh myself every time I go to the bathroom.  And my weight bounces all over the place.  I'm only recording my "official" weight once a month at this point and I'm going off my doctor's scale.  Because I'm so overweight (and have thyroid issues and a tweaked back), I am checking in with my doctor monthly at least until I get this weight loss ball rolling.

My doctor was pleased with my weight loss for the month of March.  She gave me a high five.  I was pleased too.  But is the weight loss ever enough?  If you lose 10 lbs, do you wish you'd have lost 12?  If you lose 15 lbs, do you wish you'd have lost 18?  Sigh.  With that said, I lost 13 lbs.

February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)
April 2015:  256 lbs (-13) (-19 total)

March Update

To be fair, I really started this process in February.  February 23, 2015 to be specific.  You see, my kid's coach started up an exercise class for a bunch of us moms.  I really didn't want to go.  I was/am the only one who is overweight (ok, I'll say it ... obese).  I am so out of shape.  I was embarrassed.  But I went.  We meet three days a week.  It is so hard for me.  The coach has to modify a lot of the exercises for me.  I sweat like crazy.  It is hard for me to keep up.  But I am there.

That same day, I started walking the dogs.  The route we walk is about 1.75 miles.  I'd like to say I walk them 5 days a week, but I'd be lying.  It really turns out to be about 3 days a week.

On March 11, 2015, I started tracking my food.  I'm using My Fitness Pal and their recommended caloric intake requirements.  I'm still going over my calorie intake for the day on most days, but I know it is a huge decrease from what it used to be.  I know I need to increase my water consumption, but that has been hard for me.

I took these pictures (my first "starting" pictures) at the beginning of March.  I had already lost 6 lbs.  It was a good start ... it gave me the boost I needed.

February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)

Stats and Goals

Here's the ugly ugly breakdown.

Starting weight = 275 lbs (BMI 40.6)

A BMI over 35 means you're "morbidly obese."  So, I'm not just obese, I'm MORBIDLY OBESE.  That's just frickin' lovely, isn't it.  

Okay, moving on.

That brings me to Goal #1.

Let's drop that word "Morbidly" get into the "Obese" category, shall we?  

GOAL #1 = 235 lbs (BMI 34.7)

Next up, would be the "Overweight" category.  Damn, that overweight category is so far away.  One step at a time.

GOAL #2 = 200 lbs (BMI 29.5)

And finally, the goal would be to be in the "Healthy Weight" category.  Now, who am I kidding ... the healthy weight range is 125 to 165 lbs ... I am picking the top end for my goal, of course.

GOAL #3 = 165 lbs (BMI 24.4)

Then, there is a "dream" goal.  I read somewhere that you should weigh 100 lbs if you are 5 feet tall.  For every inch after that, you should weigh another 5 lbs.  So, at about 5'9" or 5'10", I should weigh about 145 lbs.

DREAM GOAL = 145 lbs (BMI 21.4)

This is gonna take fricking forever.  Why is it so much easier to put on than take off?  

Introduction

I've been obsessively reading weight loss blogs from the last month or so.  I've found their progress (especially the before and after pics) to be so inspirational.  I've thought to myself, "Should I start a blog?"

Who would read it?
Do I want to put myself out there like that?
What if people I know find it?
How embarrassing would it be to talk about how fat I am?
What if I fail?

Finally, I said "What the hell" and here I am.  If nothing else, I figured it would give me a place to track my progress and hopefully give me a place to see the weight coming off.  Because I am going to see the weight coming off.  (See that positive thinking!)

I have struggled with weight my entire life.  I managed to get down to 175 lbs the first time I got married when I was 25 (I'm about 5'9" or 5'10" by the way).  That didn't last long though.  Life just happened.  We barbecued with friends.  We drank a lot.  We had kids and had a lot of kid friendly (fattening!) foods (and I was constantly finishing what they didn't eat).  We ate out frequently.  There were so many yummy foods out there and I had to make sure we had them all.  Life was good.  Then my husband died in a work related accident.  What we ate only got worse.  I fed the kids (all 8 of them) whatever was easiest (which usually meant high-calorie processed foods).  That's what I ate too, of course.  And you know those people who get depressed or sad or stressed and can't eat?  Ya, not me.  Food is my comfort.  I shovel the food in.  I may be barely functioning, but you can bet I am full.

By 2005, I was up to 240 lbs and had enough.  I began eating less and moving more (that ole trick).  Two years later, I was at 170 lbs.  I felt good.   Lo and behold, I fell in love again.  The pounds began sneaking up on me and I was slowly up to 190 lbs, but I still felt okay.  When I married for the second time, not only did I get a great husband, but I got two pretty special step kids too.  And then I became pregnant!  What's one more, right?  When I gave birth, I weighed in at 236 lbs.  Still not at my highest weight, I thought to myself.  I never got back below 200 lbs though.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer and round and round that battle went.  Anyone who has had a loved one battle cancer knows how much the caregiver goes through too.  It is a journey of love and courage, that is for sure.  My husband died in December of 2012.  From there, my weight took off.  I no longer seemed to care.  I ate, and I ate, and I ate some more.  I began having a couple of drinks every night at bedtime too.

Life didn't stop though, as much as I thought it should.  My mom had health issues.  I had to pack up her apartment and move her into an assisted living community.  One of my children had substance abuse issues and legal involvement.  Another had serious mental health concerns and required residential treatment.  One has special needs and there are always ongoing requirements regarding that.  And then there was regular life ... sports activities, homework, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, the list was never-ending.

I was tired.  I was drained.  I was exhausted.

But yet I ate.  And ate.

My weight ballooned to 275 lbs.