Monday, June 8, 2015

June 2015

Some days I feel like I'm doing pretty good, and some days I still feel fat.  Well, I am still fat.

I jokingly told the gals that I exercise with that I had good news and bad news.  The good news was that I was no longer morbidly obese!  The bad news was that I was now "just" obese!  Another 12 lbs gone, for a total loss so far of 42 lbs, putting me at 233 lbs.  Next goal ... to be overweight.  If that wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny.  Okay, it is still kinda funny.

I finally have a couple of pairs of pants that will no longer stay up.  And I was finally able to fit into some other pants tucked away in my closet.  I have been living in a handful of clothes because I cringed at buying more and more "fat lady" clothes.  I literally only had three or four outfits that fit me.  Even the clothes I am in now were once my "fat" clothes that never even made it on hangars in my closet.  I have to say, it is nice having a few more options.  I made the mistake of trying on a shirt that was tucked away in a Rubbermaid bin on the closet floor.  Oops, too soon for that.

I'm in a weird spot.  Sometimes I feel so much better, like I'm "skinny" or something.  I mean, I have lost 40 lbs.  Holy crap!  That's a lot of weight.  I'm moving better.  I'm feeling better.  My clothes are fitting better.  So things are "all better," right?  Ummm, no.  It's almost like I have to remind myself that I am still obese.  Wait a minute, I think, I've done all this work, I've lost 40 lbs, and I'm feeling pretty good ... and I'm not even halfway there???  Oh yeah, I'm just now at the point where I was before almost at my highest weight.  I'm just now at the point where I was when I gave birth.  Those 40 lbs should have never been there in the first place.

This whole weight loss journey is one mind game after another.  I'm all about loving who you are and there is way more to a person that outside appearances, but at the same time, my layers of fat inhibit me.  My fat makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure.  It got to the point that it hurt to move and be active, plus I was getting more and more self-conscious about the way clothes fit on me, the way I looked doing simple activities, and the way I was constantly thinking about how fat I was.  So for me, the biggest motivating factor for weight loss was that I wanted to be an active participant in life again, rather than a spectator.  That's what I need to stay focused on.  That goal.  I can't let the rest of the "mind game stuff" cloud my head.  I recognize that everyone's goal is different, as is everyone's motivation.  The stuff that I feel plays games with my mind might be totally motivating to others (ie.  looking "hot" in a bikini will never be on my radar).

There's my ramble for the day.  Weight loss is not easy.  I don't think there is a fool-proof plan that works for everyone.  Much like parenting, you have to tailor it to the individual.  And when that doesn't work, you have to try something else.  :)


February 2015:  275 lbs
March 2015:  269 lbs (-6)
April 2015:  256 lbs (-13) (-19 total)
May 2015:  245 lbs (-11) (-30 total)
June 2015:  233 lbs (-12) (-42 total)

1 comment:

  1. I totally know what you mean, about that weird place between where you were and where you'd like to end up - the best advice I got at that point in my weight loss journey was "love where you are, but that doesn't mean stay there." You're doing a terrific job - keep up the good work!